Friday, November 24, 2023

As I looked out the window of my hospital room, the snow was falling thickly. How did I end up here? Why is my body falling apart? Why can’t I be happy with the good things I have? My kids are finally talking to me. My sweet wife is still here by my side and yet, I feel empty. I feel bitter, raw, and discouraged. I gave up drinking when I felt myself losing control, but I’m still haunted. Images pass through my mind of the things I’ve seen. People I couldn’t save. Lives lost needlessly. I wanted to do good, but I feel like I failed.

An older woman walked in and set a vase of flowers on my table. “These are for you, Jake.” I scowled at her, but she returned my scowl with a smile. It’s easy for you to smile, lady; you haven’t seen the things I’ve seen. Bitterness is tearing me apart, and I don’t even care. Life feels so meaningless. All of my life I have worked for others. I devoted my entire life to serving people that didn’t deserve it. I sacrificed time with my family, missed my kids’ football games, and plays so I could work in a place where people came because they were bent on destroying themselves. Life isn’t fair.

Smack. What was that? I look out the window and see a cheeky smile peering into my room. Who does that kid think he is? I almost called the nurse to shut the blinds, then I remembered…

Not so very long ago I was that cheeky kid. I was shoveling driveways. I was smiling at cranky neighbors. I was being consoled by my mother for the hurt others inflicted on me. Through it all, I have tried to live a good life. I have given up so much of myself and been rejected. I have lost things that were important to me, seen things no one should have to see. Some things I fought hard against, but other times I let them slip into my life. Sometimes I could feel the bitterness rising up and pushed it aside but other times I let it build up a bit more.

When I think about the little boy I was so many years ago, I envy his fresh-faced enthusiasm. That kid wanted to save the world, but here I am now, stuck in a hospital bed reaping the consequences of a life hard lived. Suffering from the choices of myself and of others. Is this all there is? Is there a better way?

I thought back to the people that had encouraged me in the past. Throughout key moments people spoke truth into hard situations. They reminded me that I couldn’t change those around me, but I could change myself. I can choose to react in bitterness to painful situations or I can respond with grace. The words of my mom rang in my ears as I smiled at the boy outside: “sometimes people have troubles we don’t know about. Our job is just to be kind and serve where we can.”

¹⁵I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.                                                                                                                                                                       Romans 7:15-19